!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> pegasus horse cake.: i wish i wasn't so egocentric

5.11.04

i wish i wasn't so egocentric

i am never happy with anything.
why can't i sit down, put my hands on my lap, and say, 'i am happy with this. i am satisfied. i believe this is good.'
no.
whatever i produce, whatever i make, whatever i get, whatever i achieve, i am not happy with.
i say, 'i must improve. i must get the best. this is total rubbish. i am mediocre and i do not deserve to be as highly regarded as i am by by parents. because everyone knows i am not so good, and i can be thrown in the bland, mediocre pile. they do not say so, but they think it. i know they do. why do i even try. why do i even let my guard down and think that i am a good person with outstanding talent for some time until i'm faced with a person who is much better than me in all aspects which is anyone i come across'
i have the feeling i am a little cretin. grasping at straws. trying and trying and trying. but never doing.
or when i'm seemingly happy with something, i see something better from a foreign agent. be it skill, taste, talent, vocabulary, you name it. i think 'they are so good. i want that characteristic. but i lack it.'
and it seems that improving is something that's out of my control. i feel that i am stagnant, stuck, trying to punch my way through a wall when others climbed over it or used tools or explosives to make a hole through it. i get no sense of achievement.
this may derive from the fact that back at school everyone would marvel at my drawings, and i'd get a's in art. i'd recieve complements like 'you draw really well, you'll go far.' or 'this is amazing.' or 'you have a great understanding of volume'.
but now that i'm surrounded by other people who smoke the proverbial artsy joint like me, it's different. i cannot help but compare.
i'm in awe of the originality, of their confidence, of the talent, of the creativity and the cog-turning of ideas that go so beyond my own mind and skill. i think 'i know i will be able to do that someday. after all, they are older than me, and have learned so much more'.
but i feel that if i don't learn everything now, i never will, and never be up to standard/date. everything seems out of my league.
i flick through illustration books, graphic design books and i think 'i will never achieve this.'
i look at other people's work, i admire it, analyse it, and put it on a pedestal. everything is so wonderful, so perfect, so clever, so witty, so impossible for me breed from my thick, slow mind.
i have to learn illustrator, indesign, and know all the nooks and crannies of photoshop. i have to start making things. i have to start painting again.
i'm too busy with other stuff. and sometimes i can't be bothered. i just sit and stare, thinking. and i resent that.
the less i do, the more frustrated i get.
i want to know what i'm doing, where i am and where i'm going.
i'm so lost right now i even question who i am, and why i am the way i am.
but most of all, i question my worth.




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